Christians Never Say Goodbye!

I told you that my last post wasn’t goodbye!  I’m writing this quick update while on my home visit because I really need your help.

These last five months have been amazing, challenging, and just all around a blast!  When St. Francis started attracting followers he reportedly said, “…and the Lord gave me brothers.”  Now I can truly say, “…and the Lord has given me sisters!”  The TOR community has quickly become my family and I love them dearly.

By the grace of God and the trust of my superiors, I was allowed to enter with some remaining debt.  However, it does need to be paid off before I enter postulancy in August 2014.  So many of you have been incredibly generous and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.  However, there is still about $23,000 that needs to be paid off.

I have applied for a grant from Mater Ecclesiae Fund for Vocations but they do not make their decisions until March 15th.  Please pray extra hard until then!  My chances for receiving the grant will increase if I can decrease my debt before then, so anything will help!

Donations can be made through this website: http://www.youcaring.com/other/form-a-franciscan-sister/85925

Or by mail:  369 Little Church Road   Toronto, OH 43964

Please make checks out to Franciscan Sisters, TOR

We visit a nursing home weekly and bring communion to the Catholic residents. It has been a very stretching experience!

Check out the Youcaring site for continuing updates!

I’ll Be Seeing You

I hate saying goodbye, therefore this is not a goodbye post.  Anyway, C.S. Lewis is on my side.

“Christians NEVER say goodbye!”

This isn’t even a see you later post.  Why is that?  Because of this big, beautiful thing we are part of called the Body of Christ.

I’m not leaving you at all! We’ll be connected, closely and intimately, through the Eucharist.  We receive the Body of Christ.  This means Christ’s personal body, but also, the mystical body of Christ.  We receive each other.  I’ll let Danielle Rose explain(get your box of tissues!):

Over the past week, I’ve been struggling to understand the separation I’ll be entering into.  For religious life entails a certain separation from the world.  Yet, I will enter deeper into the heart of the Church.  My brain can’t handle the paradoxes!  So I’ve been fighting the instinct to “stay in touch” with old friends and people who were never really friends to begin with (again, Lewis backs me up on this).  In short, I am afraid of disappearing.  All our lives, we are conditioned to be “connected” with people in certain ways – mostly through technology.  Without the use of technology, will I no longer be connected to people?  I think everyone can see the falsity of this line of thinking.

As I’ve said before, my life will be about being present to people, specifically the people God calls me into personal relationships with.  First and foremost, my primary relationships, after God, will be with the Sisters I live with.  Secondly, the people I am called to minister to.  Through my life of prayer, I can be intimately connected with people who I may never meet or talk to again.

My best friend and I parted last night (without saying goodbye!).  We were astounded at the lack of sadness we both felt.  There was this overwhelming sense of peace – that it is time for our paths to diverge.  Thank God for the gift of detachment!  We also have the gift of Hope – hope that we will spend eternity together.

And because I’ll basically be living The Sound of Music(without the part about marrying a captain with seven children), I’ll leave you with this:

“Christians NEVER say goodbye!”

********

P.S. Don’t forget, my loans still need to be paid off before postulancy, so please consider helping out in any way you can.  Donations can be sent to:

Franciscan Sisters, TOR

369 Little Church Road

Toronto, OH 43964

Or made online here – designate the donation for “Formation – Education – Vocations” and put in honor of Victoria Clarizio.

You will all be in my prayers!

The Saga of the Stripping Continues

The hair is cut.  My cartilage piercing is removed.  I’m living out of one drawer.

We are coming down the last days of stripping – before the real stripping of formation begins, of course.

Stubborn insecurities are rearing their ugly heads in one last valiant stand.  I haven’t had short hair since like 5th grade, because someone once mistook me for a boy.

And then there’s my old friend procrastination.  I have a list of things to do before we leave on Saturday.  Every night when he gets home from work my Dad asks what I got checked off on the list.  My answer has been: Well, I went to Mass and spent hours in adoration today…

Jesus does not want to be used as productive procrastination.  Oops.  Today, I was finally bitten by the motivation bug.  While setting up an appointment with my new eye doctor they asked for my address and phone number;  my new address and phone number.  And not even my phone number, because I won’t have a cell phone.  The heart palpitations that followed that phone call told me: this is real and I’ve been in denial.

We come face to face once again with a strange phenomenon.  No matter how much we want something, how much we know something is right, the fear of the unknown is still incredibly powerful.  The trick is to rest in the sure knowledge of God’s will and know that the joy He wants to bestow is always worth it; it is certainly more powerful than fear.

I feel strangely light, perhaps due to the lack of hair.  The smile I’ve been waking up with tells me differently, though.

O Felix Culpa

I’ve been avoiding this post like the plague ever since the Holy Spirit put it on my heart.  I’ve come up with all sorts of other neat ideas for posts and God still nudged me towards this.  No, this is not my last post (although that will be coming soon enough).

Writers are made completely vulnerable through their writing.  We put our entire selves into everything we write – wear our hearts on our sleeves so to speak.  One thing I have always been aware of is the power of stories.  While fictional stories can be chock full of Truth, it is of imperative importance that we as Christians tell our stories.  Even more specific than this, we need to tell our love stories.  Everyone is touched by a good love story.  So Christ has been telling me over and over, tell our story; it is the greatest love story ever told – my personal love story with Christ is wrapped up in the story of His mystical bride, the Church.  It is unfortunately similar to the love story of Israel – who was continuously unfaithful and often strayed far from God.

God wants to convey a very important message through my story: his call is a gift, not based upon our own merits.  No matter how unfaithful we are, how sinful, how broken, we each have a specific and unique vocation.  His call is always there no matter what incredibly stupid things we do.  It is a gift – I cannot even begin to stress the importance of this.

God gave me this precious gift of my calling in high school.  Did I treasure this gift, cultivate it and learn how to use it in the manner it was intended?  Honestly, not really.  Mostly I peeked at it a couple of times and then ignored it until about two years ago.  On the outside, I said I was discerning religious life, that I was excited about it, but deep down, I wasn’t convinced.  I wanted to feel loved, wanted to know what being in love felt like.  I didn’t believe the Truth that God could fulfill me completely.  I was lonely.  Like many young women, I looked to boys to fulfill me emotionally, and eventually physically.

After Months of feeling like this, a slow downward spiral culminated in one summer of hitting rock bottom.  A boy (disguised as a man) suddenly gave me the attention I so craved.  I am now ashamed to admit how quickly I attached myself to his arm and like having an out of body experience(probably induced by alcohol), I watched myself become a different person.  When this relationship (I use that term very loosely) ended I was left broken, dazed, and not knowing who I was.

Yet, through confession, good friends, and prayer, God healed me.  I was able to go before God, my pride completely gone and admit I knew nothing.  My illusions about myself, faith and love gone, he was able to teach me His Reality.  Looking back, being totally empty allowed healing to happen relatively quickly and prepared me for what God had in store.  A mere two months after that summer, I was invited to visit the Capuchin Sisters of Nazareth.  I was surprised by the joy that overwhelmed me.  It hit me: God is still calling me.  It’s as if he was saying: like Israel, I will always take you back.  I still want you for my bride.  My vocation did not lie with that community, but I was surprisingly ready! God wasted no time and shortly after led me to the TOR Sisters.

Anyone looking at this timeline and seeing the radical switch from the lifestyle I had been living might think I am running away.  The Truth is that God converted my heart, captured it, and now I can truly say I am in love with Him!  Once I opened my heart, he rushed in and didn’t waste any time! Plus, God is outside of time!  There was no room for wallowing in guilt and self-pity – ain’t nobody got time fo’ dat!

Before my sinful relationship that summer, I had this vague idea of my identity as a beloved daughter of God but it wasn’t a Truth planted in my heart.  The same goes for chastity and the calling to religious life.  I really thought my faith was built on rock, but it turned out to be a house with a foundation of sand.  Distracted from God so easily, my house crumbled in no time.

While contemplating this recently, I couldn’t quite put my finger on what had changed after that summer, until I read Lumen Fidei – Pope Francis’s encyclical.

“we need knowledge, we need truth, because without these we cannot stand firm, we cannot move forward.  Faith without truth does not save, it does not provide a sure footing.  It remains a beautiful story, the projection of our deep yearning for happiness, something capable of satisfying us to the extent that we are willing to deceive ourselves.  Either that, or it is reduced to a lofty sentiment which brings consolation and cheer, yet remains prey to the vagaries of our spirit and the changing seasons, incapable of sustaining a steady journey through life.”

This is the key to the change that occurred – God granted me a renewed Faith based on knowledge and Truth.  I had nothing left, stopped “trying” so hard and God granted me a deeper gift of Faith.  Being a perpetual student, God gave me this knowledge in a literal way.  I really delved into Theology of the Body and read books like Discovering the Feminine Genius by Katrina Zeno.  This has continued through the past year and my Faith is continually expanding as I learn more.  However, in the end it is a gift – I cannot stress this enough.  I did nothing to earn this Faith.

The most recent book which has been leaving my brain on the floor is The Foundations of Religious Life: Revisiting the Vision.  It dives into some complicated details of the theology of Religious Life.  One element discussed is the importance of personal conversion, which is somehow tied up in the conversion of the whole world.  This part hit me particularly hard:

“The Religious is called to recognize sinful personal choices as the “o happy fault” and become a dispenser of good through one’s own human condition – to allow Christ to use hummannes as it is, as his own instrument in the redemption of others.  The very process of being personally released from sin while learning obedience to the Father triggers the means of redemption within others.”

I read this and knew that this post had to come eventually.  Not just this post, but telling the story God is writing through me, for the rest of my life.  God has brought so much good out of my mistakes – even the redemption of others (I have no idea how this works!)

Your calling is a gift.  Faith is a gift.  All you have to do is say, “I am the handmaid of the Lord, be it done unto me according to your word.”

Accepting the Gift

My dad keeps bugging me about how long it’s been since I last posted, so before he hacks into my account and writes himself, I should probably update you on the past week.

Instead of writing a long post I can summarize in two pictures:

Let me explain.  I’ve been spending wonderful amounts of time in Mass and Adoration.  However, since I am about to embark on a life altering journey, aka responding to God’s call (and heaven knows where that can lead), I am going through a roller coaster of emotions.  I’d imagine someone getting married in three weeks would experience similar feelings.

For example, here is a peek at what was going through my head at Mass today:

Fear threatens to choke me for a moment.  Am I doing the right thing? Wisps of old dreams drift in the back of my head – living in the slums like MoT…Then the Father sweeps me up in a moment of consolation. “Accept my gift,” he whispers.  I am grasping.

And then their faces appear without warning in my mind – these women who are destined to be my Sisters.  At the thought, fear turns into joy.  I long to begin now.

Making an Isaac Sort of Sacrifice

Next week I’ll be in Cape Cod with my family and practicing detachment from technology.  Before I leave, I wanted to update you and let you know where I’m at on this journey towards the convent.

I don’t think I ever explained how it is that I can enter the TOR Sisters on August 11th.  As many of you know, this past year has been quite a roller coaster.  I served as a volunteer with Chi Rho Catholic Service Corps for a few months and then God called me to serve some of my family members in a different capacity.  I thought my job would enable me to enter in August, but as time went that seemed less and less possible.  Around Easter time, there was sense that God was asking me to really let Him prepare me and strip me of what is still holding me back from being truly free.  I thought He was asking me to wait a year and had made peace with that.  A few people suggested The Laboure Society, and I even signed up with them.

But God was asking me to make what I like to call an “Isaac” sacrifice.  About a month ago, I received an email which changed everything and made it suddenly very real.  I would have screamed for joy, but I was at work (there were some silent tears).  The TOR Vocations Director revealed that some potential changes in formation might allow me to enter with student loans.  Since it wasn’t for sure, the information was confidential – hence that post about secrets.

The changes are official though, which is why I am able to enter in a little more than a month.  Candidacy and Postulancy are being extended from six months to one year.  During this next year of candidacy I will be living with the community, experiencing their ministries, learning about their charisms, spirituality and way of life – basically, getting used to what will be a MAJOR life change.  Since this period is longer than it has been in the past, there will be time for fundraising.  The bottom line is, I need your help now more than ever.  I will not be making an income and will have limited access to means of communication.  In the next year I still need help paying off the rest of my student loans.

You can now send your donations directly to the order, at the address listed on top of the sidebar.  I would love to receive letters as well!

Although I deactivated my Facebook, one of my fellow candidates was kind enough to recreate a “Form a Franciscan” event.  Please join!

Finally, I would like to address the fact that this life God is calling me to makes little to know sense to most of the people around me, including my family.  Because it is my vocation, and I have put many hours into praying and reading about the vows and the TOR Charism, it makes perfect sense to me.  I must admit, when people ask what I deem silly questions about being a Sister, I have to check my sassiness and judgment.  I need some humility so please ask away!  And perhaps I will spend the next few posts on the purpose of religious life, especially the vows and the aspects which seem so radical.  Explaining these things helps me put my calling into concrete words and own the vocation of religious life.

Thank you for traveling with me so far and I invite you to continue praying with me as I take this next step!

Boycotting the Bucket List

Many people have a bucket list of things to do in their lifetimes or before a certain age.  A friend and I recently discussed creating a “before I enter the convent” bucket list.  This might include eating our favorite foods (cannolis and pizza), getting lost in the woods (oh wait, we already did that), and going horseback riding.  While pondering this list, it struck me that the attitude behind bucket lists is unhealthy and in that moment of realization my heart rejected creating one.

The danger of a bucket list is that it supports the idea that worldly things can fulfill us and make us happy.  It also supports the idea that by entering the convent and living a life of poverty, I will be “missing out” on things.  If being a religious Sister is my Vocation, and I am following the will of God, He will fulfill the deepest desires of my heart – which admittedly, do not include any of the things listed above (yes, even cannolis).  I will probably get to go places and experience things which I cannot imagine right now.  When we give everything to God, He gives back infinitely!

The only things that should be on my list are: Know, Love and Serve God, more and more everyday; Love everyone around me with His Heart.

If in the midst of spending time with loved ones there are cannolis, hiking, and horseback riding involved, then that will just be an added bonus!

Once we get to heaven, we’re not going to be thinking about how we should have visited the Grand Canyon or traveled to more countries.  The only thing we might regret is not loving Him as faithfully as we should have.  However, it is much more likely that we will be wordlessly basking in His Love!

My Soul Proclaims the Greatness of the Lord!

Well folks, you’ve probably figured out by now that when my posts start getting few and far between the Holy Spirit is up to something!

Hope is a funny thing.  It is lost so easily (St Anthony pray for us!), and yet when God shows us a glimpse of His incredibly wonderful plan it comes flooding back.  With that said, my hope had mysteriously gone missing and has recently been restored.  I can’t share too many details yet (I”m so bad at keeping secrets!), but know that God has promised that I will join the TOR’s this August 11th, and He always fulfills His promises!

Of course, this requires the cooperation of many, many humans, who are not quite so reliable.  The crazy thing is God wants us to hope and trust in one another!  So I am hoping in your generosity.  Whatever you give – your prayers, time, talent, money – know that you are giving them to the Lord and He will bless you a hundred fold.

As you can see, I still have a long way to go before my loans are paid off.  I believe Mother Teresa once said that God has an infinite amount of money.   I have been told that donations can be made directly to the order and that way you can get a tax exemption.  If you choose to do this, just write my name in the memo area of the check and make it out to “Franciscan Sisters, TOR”.  The Sisters address is:  369 Little Church Road, Toronto, OH 43964

Fundraising is simply a way of inviting you to be part of my ministry.  Personal invitations built on relationships are always best.  Therefore, this impersonal blogging and letter writing thing isn’t going to cut it.  I would love to meet with as many people, groups, and organizations as I can over the next two months to share my story.  People need to know that young people are in love with God and willing to live radical abandonment!

Although the path seems uncertain right now, my heart is filled with hope and joy.  I proclaim with Mary:

My soul proclaims the greatness of the Lord,
my spirit rejoices in God my Savior
for he has looked with favor on his lowly servant.
From this day all generations will call me blessed:
the Almighty has done great things for me,
and holy is his Name.

 

He has mercy on those who fear him
in every generation.
He has shown the strength of his arm,
he has scattered the proud in their conceit.

 

He has cast down the mighty from their thrones,
and has lifted up the lowly.
He has filled the hungry with good things,
and the rich he has sent away empty.

 

He has come to the help of his servant Israel
for he remembered his promise of mercy,
the promise he made to our fathers,
to Abraham and his children forever.

Are You Ready? As I’ll ever be…

Are you ready?

I’ve been getting this question a lot in regards to entering the convent.  We ask it often of couples about to get married or have children.  We ask it when people are moving.  Basically we ask it when big changes are happening.  I’m starting to realize this question makes little sense.  Am I excited?  Do I want to dive into my God given Vocation? YES. (If a married couple said no to these questions, wouldn’t you think there was something wrong?)  Am I woefully unprepared for the trials I will face?  Probably.  But who isn’t?

The devil keeps whispering that the answer is “no” – that I need to wait and “prepare.”  God is asking if I trust that he has prepared me sufficiently.

In today’s gospel, the apostles claimed to be ready to “drink the chalice” and “be baptized” as Jesus was. Did they really know what they were saying and what horrific persecution they would undergo?  Of course not.  Did they endure it anyway?  You betcha!

A deep, abiding sense of peace tells me it is time and that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

So to this question, I answer, “My heart is ready, Oh God, my heart is ready.”

Be Not Afraid

“You would not have called to me unless I had been calling to you,” said the Lion.

~ The Silver Chair

I could blame it on Nemo, I could blame it on my lack of free time, but in truth I have not written in almost 3 weeks because I have been mulling over some big decisions and couldn’t quite put into words all that God has been asking of me.

In the past few weeks, I have been astounded by the mysterious, yet wonderful ways in which God opens doors.  I have learned that when God swings open a door and asks you to run through it, you make like the apostles and follow him immediately.

I have  been begging God to provide a way for my loans to be taken care of.  After being accepted, that begging became more persistent and demanding(we’re supposed to be like children, right?)  I really need to start being careful what I wish for…

God answered my prayer, but, true to form, not how I was expecting.  The same week I was invited to join the Sisters, I was also offered a nannying job which would allow me to pay off a significant chunk of my debt(but I still need your help!)  As you may remember, I’ve been part of Chi Rho Catholic Service Corps since September and had committed to do that until June.  And yet when this opportunity presented itself, there was a definite sense that it was time to move on and that  God was calling me to take a real and active step towards my Vocation. He has given me another chance to respond with an emphatic “yes!” to his call.

So, at the risk of seeming irresponsible and being rejected by those who do not understand my decision, but with the blessing of the TOR Sisters, I have left Chi Rho.  It was one of the hardest decisions I have ever made, but I am at peace with it.  I will miss my students and coworkers dearly but they will continually be in my prayers.

Stay tuned for updates as I embark on the next step of my journey!

Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying,  “Whom shall I send? Who will go for us?”

 “Here I am,” I said; “send me!”

~ Isaiah 6:8